Pizza with my ex

So I had pizza with my ex yesterday. We call him M.

It was pleasant. This was not surprising. Had it been unpleasant, that would also not have surprised me.

He likes to say, “Kel, you should be a comedian, your insecurities are the funniest I've ever heard! And the stuff that comes out your mouth! How does your mind even think like that?”

And then we laugh. And I tell him how he’s the meanest person I've ever met and we laugh more and he says, “Naw, you’re just the weakest person I've ever met.”

And we laugh again.

Because after 5 years, there really isn't much else to do.

And I like that we laugh. I like that we have pizza. And I like that some of days we have to share together are pleasant. I feel less upset with myself. I feel like if we can all still have good days together, well then I didn’t mess up quite as badly as I thought.

I've had a week of what he likes to call “Kelan hates herself too much” again. And I've worried about everything under the sun. And while things are actually kinda better than they were a month ago, in almost every regard, it took 5 hours with him and laughing at my silliness before I could take a real breath without the small voice inside my head screaming in panic.

There is an ever-growing list of things I'm upset with him about... But days like this make me realise I’d regret not knowing him, even if we can’t love each other. We taught each other something important. We are still figuring out what that is, but then again, we are very young.

(This picture was taken at a time when life was simple

and I was still just a kid in more ways than I knew)